Personal Growth and Transformation

My last Thetahealing session was extremely successful; in that one hour we covered absolutely all of my doubts, fears, resentments, and anger towards God and removed those beliefs, as well as working on my own egoic issues of not wanting to give up control and let go of the past. In the following 2 weeks I noticed that even though I did get sad over my current heartbreak, it was the first time in 8 months that I hadn’t cried over it. My heart had instantly healed a few several degrees in that one session, which to me is an absolute miracle. And I also harbor no more hate towards God; I’m now able to work the Creator, not against him. What a relief!

The next session is going to focus on more of my ego and constant resistance towards life, which is all mental. All negativity stems from the mind, which will continually create suffering if you are run by it. I realized in a flash of insight that I am run by my mind, which is separated into 2 main parts: the conscious mental mind, located in the brain, and the subconscious, which is located in the body. The subconscious is 80% more powerful than your thinking mind, and its programs are what run your life. This whole time I have been trying, mostly unsuccessfully, to treat each mind separately. For example, I would do EFT on my body and then listen to Holosync Meditation c.d’s for my brain. It finally clicked that I don’t really need to think of my minds as separate, but treat them as one, for they are inextricably connected. Whatever one continually thinks becomes programmed in the subconcious.

The way to change these programs is to change one’s attitudes towards life and become more present and quit resisting everything that happens in life. Resisting keeps negative patterns in your mind and body, but when you let go and relax and surrender to the now, you are able to rise above the automatic thinking patterns and choose how you want to relate to life. In that moment more spiritual energy flows to you, which also helps you deal in handling your life situations. The beauty of it, and the work it also requires, is that you have the ability to change each situations as it comes up by letting go and releasing all your negativity towards it, moment by moment, as soon as you think the thought or feel the emotion in your body. It becomes a habit to continually release, thereby letting go of bad energy on the spot instead of storing it all up inside.

My next session will also focus on my extreme self-conciousness, inadequacy beliefs, and social anxiety issues. They run the gamut from inferiority to superiority; from seperateness to not wanting to be bothered. I have a huge problem of people almost never returning my calls; even my healer forgot to call me for our last 2 sessions! And she said that first time it wasn’t her fault; I must’ve gotten the date wrong! ( I didn’t). The second time, which was 2 days ago, I just gave up waiting for her call and contacted another healer who lives nearby and asked to do a session with her, and she agreed. I love reading her website; it seems like she understands everything I’ve gone through because her life was similar.

Right now I’ve decided to copy everything, that spoke to me in Eckhart Tolles’ book The Power of Now. I picked it up again wanting to gain more information about the ego for my healing sessions, and got reminded of everything I forgot about resisting life. So these quotes are references for me whenever I want to be reminded yet don’t have the book on me. My book is inundated with pink highlighter marks.

• Say “yes” to life and see how life says yes to you
• There is no salvation in time. You cannot be free in the future. Presence is the key to freedom, so you can only be free now.  As soon as you honor the present moment, all unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease. When you act out of present moment awareness, whatever you do becomes imbued with a sense of quality, care, and love, even the most simple action.
• When the compulsive striving away from the Now ceases, the joy of Being flows into everything you do. You no longer depend on the future for fulfillment and satisfaction.
• As long as you make an identity for yourself out of the pain, you cannot become free of it. As long as part of your sense of self is invested in your emotional pain, you will unconsciously resist or sabotage every attempt that you make to heal that pain. Why? Quite simply, because you want to keep your Self intact, and the pain has become an essential part of you. The only way to overcome it is to make it conscious.
• All you really need to do is accept this moment fully. You are then at ease in the here and now and at ease with yourself. When you live in complete acceptance of what is-which is the only sane way to live-there is no “goo” or “bad” in your life anymore. this “allowing to be” takes you beyond the mind with its resistance patterns that create the positive-negative polarities.
• Since mind and resistance are synonymous, acceptance immediately frees you from mind dominance and thus reconnects you with being.
• When a condition or situation that the mind has attached itself to and identified with changes or disappears, the mind cannot accept it. It wll cling to the disappearing condition and resist the change.  Things and conditions can give you pleasure, but they cannot give you joy. Nothing can give you joy. Joy is uncaused and arises from within as the joy of Being. It is an essential part of the nner state of peace, the state that has been called the peace of God.
• RELEASE RESISTANCE: All inner resistance is experienced as negativity in one form or another. All negativity is resistance. Once you have identified with some form of negativity, you do not want to let go, and on a deeply unconcious level, you do not want positive change.

• All irritations and bad energy can be transformed into spritual practice. Instead of having a wall of resistance insdie you that gets constantly hit by things tahht “should not be happening,” let everything pass through you.
• When you are in seeking mode: Don’t look for peace. Don’t look for any other state than the one you are in now; otherwise, you will set up inner conflict and unconscious resistance. Forgive yourself fo r not being at peace. The moment you completely accept you non-peace, its becomes traansmuted into peace.
• Surrender is the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to rather than opposing the flow of life. It is relinquishing inner resistance to what is. Its to accept the present moment unconditionally, and without reservation. Inner resistance is to say “no” to what is, through mental judgement and emotional negativity. It becomes particularly pronounced when things go “wrong,” which means that there is a gap between the demands or rigid expectations of your mind and what is. That is the pain gap. If you have lived long enough, you will know that things “go wrong: quite often. It is precisely at those times that surrender needs to be practiced if you wnat to eliminate pain and sorrow from your life. Resistance is the mind.
• Resistance is not surrender. You don’t have to accept an undesirable or unpleasant life situation. You fully recognize that you want to get out f it. You then narrow your attention down to the present moment without labeling it in any way. You then take action.
• Non-surrender hardens your psychological form, the shell of the ego, and so creates a strong sense of separateness.

• Your mind can’t intellectualize peace or being present. It’s impossible. Focus on your breath, your being, and let go.

I just need to release all this frustration and anger I’m experiencing at school: The teachers are teaching way too fast for most of us in class when we’re learning a new concept, and even though their demonstrations are projected for all of us to see, we can’t catch up. Personally, and I know I’m not the only one, every time I try to follow the teacher on my own computer, I will get stuck at some point, and by then the teacher is 6 steps ahead of me and I have no idea how to get where they are. The instructions they hand out are missing lots of information, such as keyboard shortcuts, hints and guides, and other relevant information. I finally ran the idea today by the 2 of the program heads about how each lesson should be videotaped by a webcam, so that students can easily view it for referencing once the lesson is over. Essentially, you can take it home and catch up with whatever information you miss. I get so incredibly frustrated when I’m on my own and have no idea what I did wrong or what to do next, and I don’t want to keep hassling my fellow classmates for help.

My teachers listened to my concerns but came up with reasons why they didn’t want to do it, such as I should purchase more classroom in-a-guide books, there’ll be more detailed instructions coming up in the next semester, and later on I’ll be asking for less help because I’ll be more proficient in my knowledge.

I think it’s b.s. Allowing student to have access to a lesson in their own time will give them the tools to empower them to learn quickly and easily, and most importantly, correctly. It’s what I’m paying for! I’m not paying for just the lessons, but the personal help and coaching. If I didn’t want that, then I’d try to teach myself at home or take the online course. Realistically, personal coaching isn’t always available when you need it, so by being able to review a lesson, visually, step-by-step, I am absolutely positive that I would be able to complete my lessons correctly without most of the frustration of being stuck, helpless, and dependent on other students who may not know what they’re doing either.

We only have 2 main classrooms we work out of also, so we only need to purchase 2 webcams, which is fairly inexpensive. It wouldn’t be that difficult for the tech department at school to set up the webcams, and it would also be fairly easy for the teachers to download the lesson afterwards and send an email link to the students. Its rare that I become so angry over something other than myself, but I feel like I have a great idea and I’m passionate about it; maybe I’ll bring it to the student union.

I realize that its hard for the teachers to think out of the box, especially when they’ve been doing things a certain way for many years. Yet I think that since their experts in their field, they forget what it feels like to be a beginner and a student attempting to learn 5 new computer programs at once and struggling over each one everyday. My school prides itself on being technologically advanced, so webcams would definitely be an asset towards the reputation of the school, in addition to empowering students to help themselves and easing the burden off the instructors.

So now I’m a certified Thetahealing Practitioner Basic DNA. Originally, the goal was to learn the healing technique and practice on myself. Then I realized that I couldn’t energy test myself and had way too many beliefs to transform that only an expert can quickly do. So I called up the teacher of my class, a master healer, and we worked for 2 hours on my list of all the negative beliefs that I could think of that were blocking my healing. It turned out that I had a lot of negative beliefs about God that I didn’t even know existed. Yet, none of the healings took hold, which only meant that I haven’t reached the core beliefs yet. So I prayed that they would be revealed to me, because I thought I had them all covered.

Everyday new answers came to me. The first day, I realized that even though I knew my problems had probably started in the womb, and maybe I had some abandonment crib issues, it hit me that there was more to it. I started thinking from a new perspective: babies soak up everything that they hear subconsciously; they’re like midget computers. I had been an incessant colic baby, meaning I would not shut up and kept crying a high-pitched wail, basically 24/7. Colic babies are highly sensitive to their sorroundings, more than normal, and what I realized is that I must have picked up all the angry fights between my mom and dad, which were loud and constant. I must have also thought that everything they said were directed at me: I was the bad one; I was the cause of all their problems. It made perfect sense! Also, when they were fighting they wouldn’t stop to comfort me; they would leave me crying in the crib, which meant I must have felt powerless, needy, and unloved! Ah, relief, to finally know the answers!

The next day I woke up with a really painful memory,and while working through it I realized that I didn’t just have crib issues; I narrowed it down to something completely new to me: I have daddy issues! Never even realized it. Thinking back, I can see that it wasn’t just my parent’s fighting that affected me, it was my dad, because it was mainly him who was yelling at my mom and scaring us. It was his voice I heard, and I must have thought he was yelling at me the whole time. Which perfectly explains all my problems with men: I’m looking for the love that I subconsciously didn’t recieve from my dad. And repeating history over and over again. But once again, if you’re looking for love from outside of yourself rather than within you’re not gonna have the best luck finding it.

Still, even with all these new insights my intuition was telling me that I still hadn’t found the missing piece of why I couldn’t heal. I couldn’t consciously go any further than the womb, so what could it be? I’d already done two womb healings with no result.

Then my mom called me that night and gave me the hard truth: she said that I have always been the way I am and it wasn’t because of anything that happened to me, it was just my personality; my nature. She relayed to me some horrible stuff that I’d done as a kid, stuff I didn’t even remember. Basically, i’ve always been miserable, resentful, jealous, and controlling. I remember feeling that way, and have grown up a lot since then but those feelings are still familiar. She said that there was nothing to do but open my heart and let people in instead of just limiting myself to the few friends I had. She said I needed to be less judgemental of people, and just start going with the flow and relaxing and just try to have fun and be less serious and uptight. She also said that I had taught her so much about trusting God and the Law of Attraction and how to let God take care of her problems, especially after my dad died and we had to move but didn’t have renters. I told her to start packing up all our stuff and find a new place and trust God to take care of the details, and then miracles started happening. A family came in and signed a contract shortly after, and we also found a fantastic, peaceful place away from the noise of the highway, sorrounded by mango trees. Everything we wanted. She said that her life changed around once she stopped stressing and complaining over the small, unimportant things in life, and just started getting to know all kinds of people and socializing outside her normal circle. Now she’s incredibly busy rushing off to one party after another and getting set up on blind dates. Everything she told me about how I had to change myself was all true, of course, but I still got mad at her (because I still hate being told what to do) and told her not to call me the next week. I knew what needed to be done, but not how to do it.

It hit me within 5 minutes after hanging up the phone of what my core issue is; the #1 reason why I can’t heal. It wasn’t because of something that happened in my past, although my past is certainly part of the problem. The real reason is my ego. A huge part of me does not want to surrender my life to God, even when I know that when I do only then can he work miracles in my life. But my pride is still at the point where I’m very angry and resentful and hateful towards God and I don’t love him, so it’s impossible to want to give up my life to somebody (or entity) that I despise. I realized that I’m still so angry at him for creating me in the first place and then letting me suffer; for giving me the kind of personality and nature which can’t cope with the painful things in life, for keeping me alive when I wanted to die, and not coming to my aid when I asked for help. My main core beliefs, which have always caused so much turmoil and misery in myself and my life, are: I HATE GOD, I HATE MYSELF, I HATE LIFE, AND I HATE PEOPLE. I never realized that I stored up so much anger deep inside, but it makes sense, because the two sides of the Depression coin are anger and grief, both of which make you feel powerless.

It’s a huge relief knowing what I need to work on now; it’s become so clear. I don’t need to work on my crib issues at the moment, just my current attitude and anger and resentment. God can’t work miracles in my life because I won’t let him. I desire the good things in life and the personal healing, and I do as much as I can in order to get them, but if I am not working with the Creator lovingly and consciously with complete faith and trust and with an open heart, there is no way in the universe that I will be able to recieve everything I’ve asked for. My vibration can’t consistently stay high without supernatural help.

God doesn’t mess with free will. It was his gift to us.

I was previously aware of the concept of aligning your intentions with the universe and elevating your consciousness up towards positivity and faith in order to reach the vibrational match of whatever you desired. And I’d done that many times, mostly when I lost all hope and had to look to God for help. Yet, looking back, I didn’t turn to God because of complete love and trust; it was always out of helplessness and neediness and desperation, because I had no where else to turn. And as soon as good things started happening to me I would abandon him, thereby slamming the door shut on whatever abundance that might’ve been coming my way. Shortly after recieving my wishes, I’d lose interest in God, relax, and then…BAM! Something would happen to bring me down and I would start blaming God (and myself) for failing at life again.

After praying every night since my first healing session to have all my core beliefs revealed to me, I got my answers, one by one, each leading me to the next, each day that passed. I had gotten all the information I’d asked for before the week was up. Now what? Being aware of your problems are the first step, waking up, but how can I let go of all my ingrained egoic and prideful attitudes and open my heart and let God work on me? How do I release all my anger and resentment towards him? I prayed to God for answers and really, that’s all you need to do, because God will always answer your prayers. I decided to dig around in my pile of self-help books and see if there was any info that could help me out when I found a miniature book my mom sent to me a month ago on a whim; she thought I might like it. It’s called “Scriptures and Meditations for Your Best Life Now” written by a pastor and motivational speaker, Joel Osteen, who is actually very entertaining and interesting to watch on T.V. Previously, I’d only flipped through the book once and found it very reassuring, but still full of holy fluff. Even though I’ve grown spiritually over the past 2 years, I’ve never considered myself religious. As a kid I despised going to church but grew up with the condemning beliefs that my dogmatic parents held about God: You must be poor to be good, you will go to hell for doing anything unworthy, God will punish you, you must suffer to go to heaven, etc. You know the kind. I could never love God even then, because he was always a judgemental, controlling, and punishing God.

This time that I read the book it gave me all the answers I was looking for. It’s teaching me how to let go and flow. Its teaching me to really have faith in the fact that the Lord has much bigger visions for me and loves me and wants to give me (and you) everything I ask for. It’s teaching me that everytime I resist God, I’m stopping the flow of everything good in my life. And I know from personal experience that all this is true. Still, I’m having a hell of a time trying to love God, and hate the idea of “serving him.” My ego wants to be in control of my life, not him! Yet the ego isn’t vengeful; its job is to protect you from being hurt in life. It gives you your armor, but in my case it was preventing me from living a life of joy and love; it keeps me stuck in my fear and negativity. So what I’ve been praying for is just more help on how to let go of my rigid beliefs and attitudes and welcome God into my heart. My next healing session will focus purely on transforming all my anger towards him, myself, my life, and my beliefs about people.

A manic thought popped into my head last night at bedtime:

“I don’t want to give up myself and my life to God; screw that!”

The next thought followed immediately, after pausing to think for a moment:

“Actually, I hate myself and I’ve never really liked my life, so, God, take it! It’s yours! Do whatever you want with it cause it can’t get any worse than it’s already been!”

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.

It has been a long, mostly uneventful summer in which I’ve done a whole lot of nuthin. Except read books. Lots of books from the downtown public library. Once I week, I traipse the 10 blocks there by foot, pile up my arms with a load of self-help books that I always wanted to read but didn’t want to buy, and make my way down to the check-out counter.

This is where it gets embarrassing, when your friendly neighborhood librarian scans all your books titled, “Pranic Healing!” and “The New World of Self-healing: Awakening the Chakras!” and also lets not forget: “5-HTP: Natures Seratonin Solution!!!!” I just stand there awkwardly, mentally reminding myself that A) Nobody knows me here so my flawless (yeah right) reputation won’t be ruined, and B) Maybe I’ll be on Oprah one day and not be so embarrassed…but I doubt Oprah will be in syndication in 10 years, around the time I see myself becoming successful at anything…

As the librarian kindly sympathizes that “Oh My! These books must be heavy to carry around!” I sheepishly display to her all the red welts on the underside of my right arm, evidence of the burden of being a seeker of knowledge. And then attempt to stuff all those hardcovers into my mini travelling backpack while maintaining a bit of dignity. This last trip today I tossed in a variety of romance novels to sugarcoat (and hopefully distract) attention from the normal “Why Your Life Sucks and What You Can Do About It (Alan Cohen)” broth of books I had mixed together. I’m sure the guy at check-out was very amused, especially when he told me that a book I placed on hold was here and he watched me struggle to fit it all 342 pages of hardcover candy in with the rest at the last minute.

Yet although I’m interested in an almost esoteric variety of subjects, while scanning the magazine aisle a question creeped up into my mind: Was I the master of…anything? Did I know enough about a single topic to have it published, or was there at least one subject in the whole world which excites me to no end? I’m reminded of my friend Danyell, a goddess at everything she does. She’s a certified fitness and yoga instructor, model, runs a store, flies remote-controlled airplanes, belly-dances, her mind is sharp as a tact, she sews…anything she sniffs as interesting turns into her pursuit of perfection. And she’s open-minded! She is such an incredible inspiration, yet kinda a freak of nature in the fact that she’s so fearless and passionate and positive. There’s also my roommate Stefan: at 21, he owns 2 houses, a condo in Costa Rica, was a championship tap dancer, plays soccer, owns his own catering company and promotions company for celebrities, has a wine celler, cooked under Jamie Oliver in London, was featured on Bravo!(I have yet to see the DVD) and so on. His bookcase is littered with medals and trophies.

But what I’ve tried to realize when I’m feeling inadequate or slightly envious is that everyone has their own path in life, I have plenty of time to accomplish whatever I want, and other than financially there aren’t societal rules or oppressions that can keep me stuck and powerless my whole life. There’s only the daily battle with myself, and that can be successfully conquered over time. I have the opportunity to learn and get certified in whatever I choose to pursue; there are absolutely no limits. I also try to see things in perspective: most of my friends are going through the exact same thing, at least financially. Nobody else has achieved huge external success, and even the ones who have still experience unhappiness, especially when it comes to finding a great relationship. And they’re like, 40 and above. To these people I say, “you have a great job, you own your house, you’re healthy, and you’re a catch. One day you’re going to meet an amazing partner.” To this they would shrug, half-smile in ambivalent agreement, and still sadly concede that perhaps it was true. In the end, nobody wants to enjoy material success alone. Nobody honestly has it all figured out.

It’s a person’s character which determines their potential for success in life, not just their external pursuits. Character, I believe, is built over time. So even if one’s success isn’t automatically evident in their lifetime achievements at this current point in time, it doesn’t mean that they haven’t gained the powerful strength, wisdom, integrity and personality traits that will manifest later in life in larger accomplishments.

Back to ruminating about being a Master of…something. Hmmm…I try to put a humorous spin on the blank space that is my brain. I am a master of…knowing what NOT to do in relationships…applying makeup???….self-absorbed insomia??….typing…pigging out on PASTA?!!!! GEEZ! This is hard. My passion is substantial self-growth, but unfortunately that’s an extremely personal quest which isn’t easy to share with others, so outwardly I’m not pursuing much, when the real journey is going on inside. Even though it’s not something that I originally consciously chose right off the bat to pursue, it’s more of a necessity now. A necessary exploration into wellness that is continously changing and improving, which keeps me excited and interested. For now, I’m happy with listening to my Think Right Now c.d’s 12 hours a day, reading, learning, and exploring different ways to keep busy, such as running by the downtown river valley and volunteering. I’m seriously contemplating joining a badminton club. At least then I could honestly say there’s a lot of racket going on in my life. But sadly, only a birdie, no balls.

I’ll settle for being a Master Nutcase, and an expert on self-deprecating humor. Good enough for now!

You can spend hundreds of dollars on self-help books, counseling, and motivational seminars, but yet, are you happy?

You can experiment with an array of alternative therapies, most commonly are ones such as yoga, reiki, meditation, eft, hypnosis, emdr, massage, etc, but for a majority of people, these therapies just don’t cut it. These individuals lose time, money, and hope, and resign themselves to coping with whatever issues they’re struggling with.  Are you one of these people? If you’re human, most likely you are struggling with some sort of limitation within yourself and your life, whether it be your health, a negative and eternally pessimistic attitude, insecurity, poverty, relationship uprising, a paranoia or phobia, generalized anxiety, depression, anger, an addiction….it never ends. All of these limitations can overlap and cause new ones while enforcing old ones, trapping you inside a black hole of powerlessness sucking out the possibility of ever experiencing infinite joy.

There is power in knowledge; understanding yourself and learning new strategies and perspectives to help deal with life are extremely helpful in many instances, but in the long run, they don’t always help you make a large enough difference in your life.  Nobody can make you feel more alive, optimistic, motivated, less anxious, more generous. It comes from within you, and assuming you’ve heard about the Law of Attraction you’re aware that your recurring thoughts attract recurring situations.

Anybody on their journey of self-discovery has seen the movie The Secret. Especially after Oprah got on the Secret bandwagon. They also probably know that they can try to think wonderful, enriching, and positive thoughts all day long without really believing them, and so they’re still stuck with their drama. What the Secret doesn’t clearly address is that it’s the emotions behind the thoughts that attract whatever you’re experiencing, not just the thought itself. The emotions send out the powerful magnetizing energies. So in order to consistently become ”lucky in life” it’s your responsibility not to just try to control your emotions but catapult yourself into a place where you genuinely and consistently feel good and become an open channel for abundance to flow easily into your life. So is the Secret a Farce? Not at all. The movie opened my eyes to a whole new way of relating to life and putting me in the drivers seat of my life. It activated my journey of learning to see life as living energy, and since I am a powerful source of energy I can use that power to draw to me the things I desire. Or detest. It all depends on how you utilize that energy, and most people unconsciously attract things and situations to them that they don’t desire, mostly because we consistently think about and focus on what we don’t want, what we don’t like about ourselves and our lives. As Marie Forleo put it, we are walking “complaint-fests.” We are continuously sending out negative vibes into the universe without even knowing it.

Knowing all this information first inspired me to try to “think positively.” But almost nothing I did moved me away from the life I was living. Because thinking and believing are two entirely different matters, and no matter how much you can try to control your thoughts, if there is darkness within you then dark thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes are by-products of your pain.

Not only that, but a habit of constantly thinking the same things over and over develops deep neural pathways in your brain in which repetitive thoughts travel on with the firing of miniscule electric charges in your mind. In retrospect, you develop the habit of thinking these thoughts and the only way to stop doing this is to develop new neural pathways in which you think new thoughts and images of prosperity, confidence, joy, and other positive beliefs systems. This leads to success in all areas of your life. Because only when you change your thoughts can you change your behavior. Only then can you start feeling good. Only then can you stop doing the things that work against you. Nothing external, even a wonderful relationship, can change how you relate to life and yourself. Permanent change isn’t accomplished with willpower, but with deep ingrained alterations in your mind processes.

 How is it possible to accomplish a new thought and belief system? It’s definitely not easy, almost downright impossible, to start believing things you’ve never believed in your entire life. But there is a way; just keep on reading.

To make things even harder to deal with, it isn’t just your mind that is difficult to monitor, you also have to deal with whatever intense emotions you’re experiencing. Most of the time these are emotions that have been adopted and held in by your subconscious, and unless you make a significant effort to get rid of them they keep on reocurring, a thing Eckhart Tolle calls your “pain body.”  Negative thoughts feed pain, and your pain feeds on more negative thinking. Is there a way out of this self-destructive cycle? Absolutely.

You’ve probably learned that the way out of the black hole is to develop awareness. Many say that just focusing on your emotion as it comes up, without identifying with it, only observing it, accepting it, and letting it go, will help dissolve your pain body over time. In my own personal experience I’ve learned that partly this is true. The Sedona Method teaches this. So does the BSFF and Z-point processes. And when I was practicing ERT (energy release technique) I found that feeling the pain, no matter how intensely, then releasing it from your heart and into your hand helped tremendously in ridding my system of a lot of pain, at least temporarily. 

Now the problem that kept on chafing me was that even if I managed to feel good for a little while, my habitual painful thought processes and belief systems kept on moving ahead full-force, so that the pain would then build up again. I would have to do more energy work on the same events or emotions I had already treated many times before. I wasn’t having issues in just one or two areas of my life, it was all of my life and all of myself, almost all the time, because I was the problem. And I couldn’t be fixed; I didn’t know how. People say that we are not born broken, we’re born in the perfect image of God, but that doesn’t help when you know you could be functioning better if you changed the things about yourself that are holding you back from really enjoying your life and loving yourself. Even if the only change you have to make is your mindset. Awareness is very important in recognizing your automatic self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviors, but unless you’re capable of changing them then awareness isn’t enough to facilitate permanent change.

No matter how many books I read or chakra clearing meditations or energy work I had done, I was never able to be at peace within myself because I had way too many issues, which included: lack of passion and motivation for life, intense insecurity with my physical looks even to a point of shame and hatred, the belief I was unlovable, inadequate, not enough of anything, fatigue and acute exhaustion everyday, social anxiety, mild agoraphobia and general dysythmia. Most of all, I was constantly heartbroken over one a** after another. Heartbreak is traumatizing, and to keep reexperiencing it over and over, hoping each time would be different, is torture. You also carry that trauma and emotional pain around with you all the time, even when you think you’ve moved on. The pain body remains dormant until its activated or triggered, and it can be triggered tremendously by something as seemingly innocuous as a song on the radio. A lot of time and distance away from the situations that caused me pain have helped ease the burden a lot, but just functioning okay is nowhere near pursuing life with inspired passion and joy. I’m still experiencing all the symptoms and causes of my previous depression, albeit on a milder degree which is still deeply unsatisfactory. Even with margaritas. Actually, especially with margaritas! Rum too. Moving on, life could be worse, but it could also be better.

In addition, you keep attracting relationships in your life with people who are also experiencing their own intense pain and baggage, which means that it’s almost impossible for a healthy relationship to develop between two people who haven’t resolved their issues. In fact, one’s pain only gets exacerbated in an unhealthy relationship, especially when the honeymoon period comes to an inevitable end. Nobody can take away your pain if you haven’t taken care of it; they can only distract you from it or cause you to feel it even more intensely. Either way, it can’t end well. Every time I started pursuing a new love interest I would bring in a whole load of personal garbage and previous heartbreak and unattractive habits into the new relationship, which always ultimately ended in more heartbreak and misery. Even I wouldn’t date myself, so I couldn’t expect somebody to want to date me!

I finally decided to end the cycle once and for all and really start focusing on how to permanently take care of all my issues before I even looked at another man. Self-growth can be extremely frustrating, difficult, and lonely, but in the long run its the most necessary and rewarding accomplishment you can ever strive for, because it provides a base to experience love and success and joy in absolutely all areas of your life, almost all the time.

When you quit the viscious cycle of drama and misery and actually start loving yourself, from that point on will you then send out a beautiful vibe that will easily attract others, in friendships and relationships, who love you back sincerely. Life gets easier, and you start magnetizing wonderful situations which make life so fun and effortless. Things will happen which you can’t even imagine or set a goal to pursue. Life becomes an inspiring adventure, and you will live in the flow of life, instead of constantly struggling against the current.  All this is a pretty thought, but if it was so easy then nobody would be having any issues elsewhere in the world. Basically, easier said then done. And no, I have to point out to my parents, getting a decent education is still not the secret to happiness. How difficult it is to love the one you’re with 24/7!!! If you’re stuck with yourself till death does you in ya might as well make yourself into your best friend.

Painful emotions may feel like you’re being prevented from accessing your true nature, but in reality you can never be separated from your true self, your personal power. You may feel disconnected, but you’re really not. The flip side is that when you’re feeling that low you start craving access to that infinite well of power and light in your life. You start looking to spirit for answers, whether in God, the Universe, or another spiritual entity. The lower you go, the closer you are to finding the spirit and inner peace which you so desperately seek.

So how do we do it? How do we start loving ourselves, ridding ourselves of our pain body, think positively, and start creating the life that we desire? How do we attract the love and abundance we yearn for? Honestly, I’m still on my very intense self-growth journey of healing and spiritual enlightenment, and I haven’t found the answers. I’m just sharing how difficult it’s been for me, and the techniques I’m utilizing in order to get to that inner peace and well-being. Many people say that Faith in a higher power will save you, but sometimes you can get so low you just lose any and all faith. In addition you can’t expect to do nothing and just have your life miraculously transformed. Sometimes hard work and discipline on your part are required in making any change.

What I’ve discovered recently though is a remarkable program called Think Right Now! (www.thinkrightnow.com) I have actually known about it for a while but was so inundated with other therapies I put it on hold, but I think these programs developed by Mike Brescia are the catalyst to a major internal transformation. Spend some time on the website. Know that the only way to reprogram your conscious and subconscious minds is by constant repetition, and these programs do the work for you against a background of gorgeous music; each program has its own unique soundtrack. So far I’ve ordered 6 programs and listen to them on my ipod constantly. I also sleep with my headphones hidden in my pillowcase so I can listen to them all night knowing that my mind is absorbing all the new beliefs and affirmations the whole time. This program gives me hope, and I ran out of hope a long time ago. Learning to love myself and my life is my passion. All other external goals at this time, even going back to college (sorry mom) isn’t nearly as important as this. Other self-help leaders in the industry such as Marci Shimoff recommend this program, and you can read loads of testimonials on each individual program on the website under the heading “Success Stories.”

I’m going to give these programs at least 6 solid months of constant listening; it takes a long time to make any permanent change. I also realize that lots of the change will be gradual, and since theres sooo much new content that my brain is absorbing my subconscious will be resisting most of these new thoughts for a while, which will be overriden with constant repetition. But once these extremely important changes are made, all just by listening to some c.d’s, they’re going to stick around, with some maintenance along the way. I’ll never stop learning and growing and experimenting with other therapies because they’re all so fascinating, but I truly believe these programs will create the change within me that nothing else has done. Life should get easier as I adopt the confident, motivated, fearless and joyful attitude and belief system that will get me through every event and situation. This breakthrough has given me the most amazing hope i’ve ever felt in a long time.

A little later on, to help deal with stuck energy and fatigue, there is something called Spring Forest Qigong that I’m interested in trying, which is another tool to use for body and mind. It supposedly produces incredible healing in your body and energizes you all over. It keeps your chi, or life force, flowing smoothly through your system using a variety of simple motion, intention, and meditation, engaging your body and mind. you can view videos of it on youtube, and order the program online.

So for now, this personal journey is still ongoing but Ill keep my blog updated and posted with the results. Once you take care of yourself, then you can take care of your life and really start living. Learning how to do this with optimum results has been my purpose for a while, and now I finally have a chance to experience it. Peace.