Personal Growth and Transformation

It has been a long, mostly uneventful summer in which I’ve done a whole lot of nuthin. Except read books. Lots of books from the downtown public library. Once I week, I traipse the 10 blocks there by foot, pile up my arms with a load of self-help books that I always wanted to read but didn’t want to buy, and make my way down to the check-out counter.

This is where it gets embarrassing, when your friendly neighborhood librarian scans all your books titled, “Pranic Healing!” and “The New World of Self-healing: Awakening the Chakras!” and also lets not forget: “5-HTP: Natures Seratonin Solution!!!!” I just stand there awkwardly, mentally reminding myself that A) Nobody knows me here so my flawless (yeah right) reputation won’t be ruined, and B) Maybe I’ll be on Oprah one day and not be so embarrassed…but I doubt Oprah will be in syndication in 10 years, around the time I see myself becoming successful at anything…

As the librarian kindly sympathizes that “Oh My! These books must be heavy to carry around!” I sheepishly display to her all the red welts on the underside of my right arm, evidence of the burden of being a seeker of knowledge. And then attempt to stuff all those hardcovers into my mini travelling backpack while maintaining a bit of dignity. This last trip today I tossed in a variety of romance novels to sugarcoat (and hopefully distract) attention from the normal “Why Your Life Sucks and What You Can Do About It (Alan Cohen)” broth of books I had mixed together. I’m sure the guy at check-out was very amused, especially when he told me that a book I placed on hold was here and he watched me struggle to fit it all 342 pages of hardcover candy in with the rest at the last minute.

Yet although I’m interested in an almost esoteric variety of subjects, while scanning the magazine aisle a question creeped up into my mind: Was I the master of…anything? Did I know enough about a single topic to have it published, or was there at least one subject in the whole world which excites me to no end? I’m reminded of my friend Danyell, a goddess at everything she does. She’s a certified fitness and yoga instructor, model, runs a store, flies remote-controlled airplanes, belly-dances, her mind is sharp as a tact, she sews…anything she sniffs as interesting turns into her pursuit of perfection. And she’s open-minded! She is such an incredible inspiration, yet kinda a freak of nature in the fact that she’s so fearless and passionate and positive. There’s also my roommate Stefan: at 21, he owns 2 houses, a condo in Costa Rica, was a championship tap dancer, plays soccer, owns his own catering company and promotions company for celebrities, has a wine celler, cooked under Jamie Oliver in London, was featured on Bravo!(I have yet to see the DVD) and so on. His bookcase is littered with medals and trophies.

But what I’ve tried to realize when I’m feeling inadequate or slightly envious is that everyone has their own path in life, I have plenty of time to accomplish whatever I want, and other than financially there aren’t societal rules or oppressions that can keep me stuck and powerless my whole life. There’s only the daily battle with myself, and that can be successfully conquered over time. I have the opportunity to learn and get certified in whatever I choose to pursue; there are absolutely no limits. I also try to see things in perspective: most of my friends are going through the exact same thing, at least financially. Nobody else has achieved huge external success, and even the ones who have still experience unhappiness, especially when it comes to finding a great relationship. And they’re like, 40 and above. To these people I say, “you have a great job, you own your house, you’re healthy, and you’re a catch. One day you’re going to meet an amazing partner.” To this they would shrug, half-smile in ambivalent agreement, and still sadly concede that perhaps it was true. In the end, nobody wants to enjoy material success alone. Nobody honestly has it all figured out.

It’s a person’s character which determines their potential for success in life, not just their external pursuits. Character, I believe, is built over time. So even if one’s success isn’t automatically evident in their lifetime achievements at this current point in time, it doesn’t mean that they haven’t gained the powerful strength, wisdom, integrity and personality traits that will manifest later in life in larger accomplishments.

Back to ruminating about being a Master of…something. Hmmm…I try to put a humorous spin on the blank space that is my brain. I am a master of…knowing what NOT to do in relationships…applying makeup???….self-absorbed insomia??….typing…pigging out on PASTA?!!!! GEEZ! This is hard. My passion is substantial self-growth, but unfortunately that’s an extremely personal quest which isn’t easy to share with others, so outwardly I’m not pursuing much, when the real journey is going on inside. Even though it’s not something that I originally consciously chose right off the bat to pursue, it’s more of a necessity now. A necessary exploration into wellness that is continously changing and improving, which keeps me excited and interested. For now, I’m happy with listening to my Think Right Now c.d’s 12 hours a day, reading, learning, and exploring different ways to keep busy, such as running by the downtown river valley and volunteering. I’m seriously contemplating joining a badminton club. At least then I could honestly say there’s a lot of racket going on in my life. But sadly, only a birdie, no balls.

I’ll settle for being a Master Nutcase, and an expert on self-deprecating humor. Good enough for now!

Just recently, I started panicking again because no matter how hard I tried, for 2 months I wasn’t able to find a job, excluding banquet serving but I refuse to do that again.

In the past 2 years I’ve always hit rock bottom and could only look to God for help. The more my bank account depleted itself the more feverishly I’d pray for help. I’d do energy work and write affirmations. I’d search online constantly for jobs that suited my temperament. I’d clean my room (throw out the old and make space for the new.) I’d try to align my beliefs of why I would want a new job (you know why) and try to make that take precedence over why I didn’t want to work, because those are the subconscious beliefs that are quietly keeping things from manifesting in your life. And I had numerous ones, such as I didn’t want to wake up early in the mornings, I didn’t think I’d find a job I liked, on and on.

Finally, a beautiful decree for abundance popped into my head that I used to recite out of a little book. This decree, which is more a command to the universe rather than a prayer, has always given me hope and grounded me in spiritual energy. It goes like this:(repeated 3-10x)

I Am Free from fear and doubt
Casting want and misery out
Knowing now all good supply
Ever comes from Realms on High
I am the Hand of Gods own Fortune
Flooding Forth the Treasures of Light
Now recieving Full Abundance
To Supply Each Need of Life!

Afterwards I got on the affirmation train and wrote out a couple of ones tailored to my situation and belief system, utilizing the Power of Intention:

I Am Now Flowing in Sync with the Creative Powers of the Universe
The Universe is Supporting Me in All My Desires and Intentions, for the Good of All Concerned, and we work together in Divine Right Timing and Divine Harmony.
Abundance, Prosperity, Love, and Joy is flowing to Me Easily Now.
I set forth the Powerful Intention today of Anchoring my Mind, Body, and Spirit into Guiding me towards the Fulfillment of my Purpose and Potential.
I easily release all that do not serve me anymore
Everyday I Am being Completely Healed of all blocks to Pure Self-love and Passionate Energy

and so on; you need to write ones that hold true for yourself.

The next day (after cleaning my room once again) I called back about a job position that I had interviewed for at a Health and Vitamin store, positive that I had gotten the gig. Then the manager said that corporate office didn’t want to take 2 months to train someone who was only going to work part-time come fall; they wanted a full-time applicant. I WAS CRUSHED!!!! I thought I was perfect for the position, it was only 2 blocks away, and I killed the interview…I fell apart because I didn’t think that I would be able to afford to go to school anymore, even with a student line of credit, because I had too many bills and didn’t want to go even more into debt. It really broke my heart to think that I had moved all the way from another country just to go back to school and it wasn’t going to happen.

But something in me snapped, and it’s called resilience. Or a fighting spirit. I spent the next 2 hours sending my resume and skills assessment results to various staffing agencies and ads posted on Kajiji; determined to find work. I also started researching alternative healing classes in the city, once again, because there was no way I was going to stay in the city and not get some education.

I then stumbled onto a website which talks about Theta Healing, and you can check out the videos about it on youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utE9bCnMWJs
after that part 2:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EibwlNQKiU&feature=related
and then the follow up:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9aHmKH5_bLk

Theta Healing fascinated me, even though I had something similar done to me back home with no result. I was drugged up on allergy meds at the time and spent the whole session struggling to stay conscious.

I started researching Theta Healers in my city and found a website about a college dedicated to the healing arts, one which I’d never heard about before. They offer the very programs that I’ve been interested in for a while, such as energy healing, a holistic practioner certificate, and a life coaching certificate. As a bonus, the classes have an ongoing enrollment and are held frequently throughout the year, so you could study most of it at your own pace. I  decided that if I didn’t get my grant for my other school, then I would go here. Then my mom called and I talked to her about my financial woes. Its a popular topic of conversation for us.

Later on, drained from an afternoon of crying then job-hunting, I joined my roommate downstairs to watch the umpteenth episode of So You Think You Can Dance! when the mail came in. And in the mail was a check for $10,660 to pay for school from the gov’t; I’d recieved the whole grant! Called my mom back immediately.

The next day I got 3 calls about the job positions I applied for, and I’m going on interviews tomorrow. I’ve also realized how important it is for me to integrate a spiritual practice into my life, because without it I feel lost and hopeless and not in charge of my life. So this morning I sat down with a large starter mug of Yerba Mate, my post-its laden with affirmations, a single candle, and relaxed to the tune of one of my favourite Disney songs:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cA9yJBslOU

Wish me luck with the job-hunting; I’m fired up and Inspired

You can spend hundreds of dollars on self-help books, counseling, and motivational seminars, but yet, are you happy?

You can experiment with an array of alternative therapies, most commonly are ones such as yoga, reiki, meditation, eft, hypnosis, emdr, massage, etc, but for a majority of people, these therapies just don’t cut it. These individuals lose time, money, and hope, and resign themselves to coping with whatever issues they’re struggling with.  Are you one of these people? If you’re human, most likely you are struggling with some sort of limitation within yourself and your life, whether it be your health, a negative and eternally pessimistic attitude, insecurity, poverty, relationship uprising, a paranoia or phobia, generalized anxiety, depression, anger, an addiction….it never ends. All of these limitations can overlap and cause new ones while enforcing old ones, trapping you inside a black hole of powerlessness sucking out the possibility of ever experiencing infinite joy.

There is power in knowledge; understanding yourself and learning new strategies and perspectives to help deal with life are extremely helpful in many instances, but in the long run, they don’t always help you make a large enough difference in your life.  Nobody can make you feel more alive, optimistic, motivated, less anxious, more generous. It comes from within you, and assuming you’ve heard about the Law of Attraction you’re aware that your recurring thoughts attract recurring situations.

Anybody on their journey of self-discovery has seen the movie The Secret. Especially after Oprah got on the Secret bandwagon. They also probably know that they can try to think wonderful, enriching, and positive thoughts all day long without really believing them, and so they’re still stuck with their drama. What the Secret doesn’t clearly address is that it’s the emotions behind the thoughts that attract whatever you’re experiencing, not just the thought itself. The emotions send out the powerful magnetizing energies. So in order to consistently become ”lucky in life” it’s your responsibility not to just try to control your emotions but catapult yourself into a place where you genuinely and consistently feel good and become an open channel for abundance to flow easily into your life. So is the Secret a Farce? Not at all. The movie opened my eyes to a whole new way of relating to life and putting me in the drivers seat of my life. It activated my journey of learning to see life as living energy, and since I am a powerful source of energy I can use that power to draw to me the things I desire. Or detest. It all depends on how you utilize that energy, and most people unconsciously attract things and situations to them that they don’t desire, mostly because we consistently think about and focus on what we don’t want, what we don’t like about ourselves and our lives. As Marie Forleo put it, we are walking “complaint-fests.” We are continuously sending out negative vibes into the universe without even knowing it.

Knowing all this information first inspired me to try to “think positively.” But almost nothing I did moved me away from the life I was living. Because thinking and believing are two entirely different matters, and no matter how much you can try to control your thoughts, if there is darkness within you then dark thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes are by-products of your pain.

Not only that, but a habit of constantly thinking the same things over and over develops deep neural pathways in your brain in which repetitive thoughts travel on with the firing of miniscule electric charges in your mind. In retrospect, you develop the habit of thinking these thoughts and the only way to stop doing this is to develop new neural pathways in which you think new thoughts and images of prosperity, confidence, joy, and other positive beliefs systems. This leads to success in all areas of your life. Because only when you change your thoughts can you change your behavior. Only then can you start feeling good. Only then can you stop doing the things that work against you. Nothing external, even a wonderful relationship, can change how you relate to life and yourself. Permanent change isn’t accomplished with willpower, but with deep ingrained alterations in your mind processes.

 How is it possible to accomplish a new thought and belief system? It’s definitely not easy, almost downright impossible, to start believing things you’ve never believed in your entire life. But there is a way; just keep on reading.

To make things even harder to deal with, it isn’t just your mind that is difficult to monitor, you also have to deal with whatever intense emotions you’re experiencing. Most of the time these are emotions that have been adopted and held in by your subconscious, and unless you make a significant effort to get rid of them they keep on reocurring, a thing Eckhart Tolle calls your “pain body.”  Negative thoughts feed pain, and your pain feeds on more negative thinking. Is there a way out of this self-destructive cycle? Absolutely.

You’ve probably learned that the way out of the black hole is to develop awareness. Many say that just focusing on your emotion as it comes up, without identifying with it, only observing it, accepting it, and letting it go, will help dissolve your pain body over time. In my own personal experience I’ve learned that partly this is true. The Sedona Method teaches this. So does the BSFF and Z-point processes. And when I was practicing ERT (energy release technique) I found that feeling the pain, no matter how intensely, then releasing it from your heart and into your hand helped tremendously in ridding my system of a lot of pain, at least temporarily. 

Now the problem that kept on chafing me was that even if I managed to feel good for a little while, my habitual painful thought processes and belief systems kept on moving ahead full-force, so that the pain would then build up again. I would have to do more energy work on the same events or emotions I had already treated many times before. I wasn’t having issues in just one or two areas of my life, it was all of my life and all of myself, almost all the time, because I was the problem. And I couldn’t be fixed; I didn’t know how. People say that we are not born broken, we’re born in the perfect image of God, but that doesn’t help when you know you could be functioning better if you changed the things about yourself that are holding you back from really enjoying your life and loving yourself. Even if the only change you have to make is your mindset. Awareness is very important in recognizing your automatic self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviors, but unless you’re capable of changing them then awareness isn’t enough to facilitate permanent change.

No matter how many books I read or chakra clearing meditations or energy work I had done, I was never able to be at peace within myself because I had way too many issues, which included: lack of passion and motivation for life, intense insecurity with my physical looks even to a point of shame and hatred, the belief I was unlovable, inadequate, not enough of anything, fatigue and acute exhaustion everyday, social anxiety, mild agoraphobia and general dysythmia. Most of all, I was constantly heartbroken over one a** after another. Heartbreak is traumatizing, and to keep reexperiencing it over and over, hoping each time would be different, is torture. You also carry that trauma and emotional pain around with you all the time, even when you think you’ve moved on. The pain body remains dormant until its activated or triggered, and it can be triggered tremendously by something as seemingly innocuous as a song on the radio. A lot of time and distance away from the situations that caused me pain have helped ease the burden a lot, but just functioning okay is nowhere near pursuing life with inspired passion and joy. I’m still experiencing all the symptoms and causes of my previous depression, albeit on a milder degree which is still deeply unsatisfactory. Even with margaritas. Actually, especially with margaritas! Rum too. Moving on, life could be worse, but it could also be better.

In addition, you keep attracting relationships in your life with people who are also experiencing their own intense pain and baggage, which means that it’s almost impossible for a healthy relationship to develop between two people who haven’t resolved their issues. In fact, one’s pain only gets exacerbated in an unhealthy relationship, especially when the honeymoon period comes to an inevitable end. Nobody can take away your pain if you haven’t taken care of it; they can only distract you from it or cause you to feel it even more intensely. Either way, it can’t end well. Every time I started pursuing a new love interest I would bring in a whole load of personal garbage and previous heartbreak and unattractive habits into the new relationship, which always ultimately ended in more heartbreak and misery. Even I wouldn’t date myself, so I couldn’t expect somebody to want to date me!

I finally decided to end the cycle once and for all and really start focusing on how to permanently take care of all my issues before I even looked at another man. Self-growth can be extremely frustrating, difficult, and lonely, but in the long run its the most necessary and rewarding accomplishment you can ever strive for, because it provides a base to experience love and success and joy in absolutely all areas of your life, almost all the time.

When you quit the viscious cycle of drama and misery and actually start loving yourself, from that point on will you then send out a beautiful vibe that will easily attract others, in friendships and relationships, who love you back sincerely. Life gets easier, and you start magnetizing wonderful situations which make life so fun and effortless. Things will happen which you can’t even imagine or set a goal to pursue. Life becomes an inspiring adventure, and you will live in the flow of life, instead of constantly struggling against the current.  All this is a pretty thought, but if it was so easy then nobody would be having any issues elsewhere in the world. Basically, easier said then done. And no, I have to point out to my parents, getting a decent education is still not the secret to happiness. How difficult it is to love the one you’re with 24/7!!! If you’re stuck with yourself till death does you in ya might as well make yourself into your best friend.

Painful emotions may feel like you’re being prevented from accessing your true nature, but in reality you can never be separated from your true self, your personal power. You may feel disconnected, but you’re really not. The flip side is that when you’re feeling that low you start craving access to that infinite well of power and light in your life. You start looking to spirit for answers, whether in God, the Universe, or another spiritual entity. The lower you go, the closer you are to finding the spirit and inner peace which you so desperately seek.

So how do we do it? How do we start loving ourselves, ridding ourselves of our pain body, think positively, and start creating the life that we desire? How do we attract the love and abundance we yearn for? Honestly, I’m still on my very intense self-growth journey of healing and spiritual enlightenment, and I haven’t found the answers. I’m just sharing how difficult it’s been for me, and the techniques I’m utilizing in order to get to that inner peace and well-being. Many people say that Faith in a higher power will save you, but sometimes you can get so low you just lose any and all faith. In addition you can’t expect to do nothing and just have your life miraculously transformed. Sometimes hard work and discipline on your part are required in making any change.

What I’ve discovered recently though is a remarkable program called Think Right Now! (www.thinkrightnow.com) I have actually known about it for a while but was so inundated with other therapies I put it on hold, but I think these programs developed by Mike Brescia are the catalyst to a major internal transformation. Spend some time on the website. Know that the only way to reprogram your conscious and subconscious minds is by constant repetition, and these programs do the work for you against a background of gorgeous music; each program has its own unique soundtrack. So far I’ve ordered 6 programs and listen to them on my ipod constantly. I also sleep with my headphones hidden in my pillowcase so I can listen to them all night knowing that my mind is absorbing all the new beliefs and affirmations the whole time. This program gives me hope, and I ran out of hope a long time ago. Learning to love myself and my life is my passion. All other external goals at this time, even going back to college (sorry mom) isn’t nearly as important as this. Other self-help leaders in the industry such as Marci Shimoff recommend this program, and you can read loads of testimonials on each individual program on the website under the heading “Success Stories.”

I’m going to give these programs at least 6 solid months of constant listening; it takes a long time to make any permanent change. I also realize that lots of the change will be gradual, and since theres sooo much new content that my brain is absorbing my subconscious will be resisting most of these new thoughts for a while, which will be overriden with constant repetition. But once these extremely important changes are made, all just by listening to some c.d’s, they’re going to stick around, with some maintenance along the way. I’ll never stop learning and growing and experimenting with other therapies because they’re all so fascinating, but I truly believe these programs will create the change within me that nothing else has done. Life should get easier as I adopt the confident, motivated, fearless and joyful attitude and belief system that will get me through every event and situation. This breakthrough has given me the most amazing hope i’ve ever felt in a long time.

A little later on, to help deal with stuck energy and fatigue, there is something called Spring Forest Qigong that I’m interested in trying, which is another tool to use for body and mind. It supposedly produces incredible healing in your body and energizes you all over. It keeps your chi, or life force, flowing smoothly through your system using a variety of simple motion, intention, and meditation, engaging your body and mind. you can view videos of it on youtube, and order the program online.

So for now, this personal journey is still ongoing but Ill keep my blog updated and posted with the results. Once you take care of yourself, then you can take care of your life and really start living. Learning how to do this with optimum results has been my purpose for a while, and now I finally have a chance to experience it. Peace.