A (Gentle) Slap in the Face
So now I’m a certified Thetahealing Practitioner Basic DNA. Originally, the goal was to learn the healing technique and practice on myself. Then I realized that I couldn’t energy test myself and had way too many beliefs to transform that only an expert can quickly do. So I called up the teacher of my class, a master healer, and we worked for 2 hours on my list of all the negative beliefs that I could think of that were blocking my healing. It turned out that I had a lot of negative beliefs about God that I didn’t even know existed. Yet, none of the healings took hold, which only meant that I haven’t reached the core beliefs yet. So I prayed that they would be revealed to me, because I thought I had them all covered.
Everyday new answers came to me. The first day, I realized that even though I knew my problems had probably started in the womb, and maybe I had some abandonment crib issues, it hit me that there was more to it. I started thinking from a new perspective: babies soak up everything that they hear subconsciously; they’re like midget computers. I had been an incessant colic baby, meaning I would not shut up and kept crying a high-pitched wail, basically 24/7. Colic babies are highly sensitive to their sorroundings, more than normal, and what I realized is that I must have picked up all the angry fights between my mom and dad, which were loud and constant. I must have also thought that everything they said were directed at me: I was the bad one; I was the cause of all their problems. It made perfect sense! Also, when they were fighting they wouldn’t stop to comfort me; they would leave me crying in the crib, which meant I must have felt powerless, needy, and unloved! Ah, relief, to finally know the answers!
The next day I woke up with a really painful memory,and while working through it I realized that I didn’t just have crib issues; I narrowed it down to something completely new to me: I have daddy issues! Never even realized it. Thinking back, I can see that it wasn’t just my parent’s fighting that affected me, it was my dad, because it was mainly him who was yelling at my mom and scaring us. It was his voice I heard, and I must have thought he was yelling at me the whole time. Which perfectly explains all my problems with men: I’m looking for the love that I subconsciously didn’t recieve from my dad. And repeating history over and over again. But once again, if you’re looking for love from outside of yourself rather than within you’re not gonna have the best luck finding it.
Still, even with all these new insights my intuition was telling me that I still hadn’t found the missing piece of why I couldn’t heal. I couldn’t consciously go any further than the womb, so what could it be? I’d already done two womb healings with no result.
Then my mom called me that night and gave me the hard truth: she said that I have always been the way I am and it wasn’t because of anything that happened to me, it was just my personality; my nature. She relayed to me some horrible stuff that I’d done as a kid, stuff I didn’t even remember. Basically, i’ve always been miserable, resentful, jealous, and controlling. I remember feeling that way, and have grown up a lot since then but those feelings are still familiar. She said that there was nothing to do but open my heart and let people in instead of just limiting myself to the few friends I had. She said I needed to be less judgemental of people, and just start going with the flow and relaxing and just try to have fun and be less serious and uptight. She also said that I had taught her so much about trusting God and the Law of Attraction and how to let God take care of her problems, especially after my dad died and we had to move but didn’t have renters. I told her to start packing up all our stuff and find a new place and trust God to take care of the details, and then miracles started happening. A family came in and signed a contract shortly after, and we also found a fantastic, peaceful place away from the noise of the highway, sorrounded by mango trees. Everything we wanted. She said that her life changed around once she stopped stressing and complaining over the small, unimportant things in life, and just started getting to know all kinds of people and socializing outside her normal circle. Now she’s incredibly busy rushing off to one party after another and getting set up on blind dates. Everything she told me about how I had to change myself was all true, of course, but I still got mad at her (because I still hate being told what to do) and told her not to call me the next week. I knew what needed to be done, but not how to do it.
It hit me within 5 minutes after hanging up the phone of what my core issue is; the #1 reason why I can’t heal. It wasn’t because of something that happened in my past, although my past is certainly part of the problem. The real reason is my ego. A huge part of me does not want to surrender my life to God, even when I know that when I do only then can he work miracles in my life. But my pride is still at the point where I’m very angry and resentful and hateful towards God and I don’t love him, so it’s impossible to want to give up my life to somebody (or entity) that I despise. I realized that I’m still so angry at him for creating me in the first place and then letting me suffer; for giving me the kind of personality and nature which can’t cope with the painful things in life, for keeping me alive when I wanted to die, and not coming to my aid when I asked for help. My main core beliefs, which have always caused so much turmoil and misery in myself and my life, are: I HATE GOD, I HATE MYSELF, I HATE LIFE, AND I HATE PEOPLE. I never realized that I stored up so much anger deep inside, but it makes sense, because the two sides of the Depression coin are anger and grief, both of which make you feel powerless.
It’s a huge relief knowing what I need to work on now; it’s become so clear. I don’t need to work on my crib issues at the moment, just my current attitude and anger and resentment. God can’t work miracles in my life because I won’t let him. I desire the good things in life and the personal healing, and I do as much as I can in order to get them, but if I am not working with the Creator lovingly and consciously with complete faith and trust and with an open heart, there is no way in the universe that I will be able to recieve everything I’ve asked for. My vibration can’t consistently stay high without supernatural help.
God doesn’t mess with free will. It was his gift to us.
I was previously aware of the concept of aligning your intentions with the universe and elevating your consciousness up towards positivity and faith in order to reach the vibrational match of whatever you desired. And I’d done that many times, mostly when I lost all hope and had to look to God for help. Yet, looking back, I didn’t turn to God because of complete love and trust; it was always out of helplessness and neediness and desperation, because I had no where else to turn. And as soon as good things started happening to me I would abandon him, thereby slamming the door shut on whatever abundance that might’ve been coming my way. Shortly after recieving my wishes, I’d lose interest in God, relax, and then…BAM! Something would happen to bring me down and I would start blaming God (and myself) for failing at life again.
After praying every night since my first healing session to have all my core beliefs revealed to me, I got my answers, one by one, each leading me to the next, each day that passed. I had gotten all the information I’d asked for before the week was up. Now what? Being aware of your problems are the first step, waking up, but how can I let go of all my ingrained egoic and prideful attitudes and open my heart and let God work on me? How do I release all my anger and resentment towards him? I prayed to God for answers and really, that’s all you need to do, because God will always answer your prayers. I decided to dig around in my pile of self-help books and see if there was any info that could help me out when I found a miniature book my mom sent to me a month ago on a whim; she thought I might like it. It’s called “Scriptures and Meditations for Your Best Life Now” written by a pastor and motivational speaker, Joel Osteen, who is actually very entertaining and interesting to watch on T.V. Previously, I’d only flipped through the book once and found it very reassuring, but still full of holy fluff. Even though I’ve grown spiritually over the past 2 years, I’ve never considered myself religious. As a kid I despised going to church but grew up with the condemning beliefs that my dogmatic parents held about God: You must be poor to be good, you will go to hell for doing anything unworthy, God will punish you, you must suffer to go to heaven, etc. You know the kind. I could never love God even then, because he was always a judgemental, controlling, and punishing God.
This time that I read the book it gave me all the answers I was looking for. It’s teaching me how to let go and flow. Its teaching me to really have faith in the fact that the Lord has much bigger visions for me and loves me and wants to give me (and you) everything I ask for. It’s teaching me that everytime I resist God, I’m stopping the flow of everything good in my life. And I know from personal experience that all this is true. Still, I’m having a hell of a time trying to love God, and hate the idea of “serving him.” My ego wants to be in control of my life, not him! Yet the ego isn’t vengeful; its job is to protect you from being hurt in life. It gives you your armor, but in my case it was preventing me from living a life of joy and love; it keeps me stuck in my fear and negativity. So what I’ve been praying for is just more help on how to let go of my rigid beliefs and attitudes and welcome God into my heart. My next healing session will focus purely on transforming all my anger towards him, myself, my life, and my beliefs about people.
A manic thought popped into my head last night at bedtime:
“I don’t want to give up myself and my life to God; screw that!”
The next thought followed immediately, after pausing to think for a moment:
“Actually, I hate myself and I’ve never really liked my life, so, God, take it! It’s yours! Do whatever you want with it cause it can’t get any worse than it’s already been!”
When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.