Glory Road
It has been a long, mostly uneventful summer in which I’ve done a whole lot of nuthin. Except read books. Lots of books from the downtown public library. Once I week, I traipse the 10 blocks there by foot, pile up my arms with a load of self-help books that I always wanted to read but didn’t want to buy, and make my way down to the check-out counter.
This is where it gets embarrassing, when your friendly neighborhood librarian scans all your books titled, “Pranic Healing!” and “The New World of Self-healing: Awakening the Chakras!” and also lets not forget: “5-HTP: Natures Seratonin Solution!!!!” I just stand there awkwardly, mentally reminding myself that A) Nobody knows me here so my flawless (yeah right) reputation won’t be ruined, and B) Maybe I’ll be on Oprah one day and not be so embarrassed…but I doubt Oprah will be in syndication in 10 years, around the time I see myself becoming successful at anything…
As the librarian kindly sympathizes that “Oh My! These books must be heavy to carry around!” I sheepishly display to her all the red welts on the underside of my right arm, evidence of the burden of being a seeker of knowledge. And then attempt to stuff all those hardcovers into my mini travelling backpack while maintaining a bit of dignity. This last trip today I tossed in a variety of romance novels to sugarcoat (and hopefully distract) attention from the normal “Why Your Life Sucks and What You Can Do About It (Alan Cohen)” broth of books I had mixed together. I’m sure the guy at check-out was very amused, especially when he told me that a book I placed on hold was here and he watched me struggle to fit it all 342 pages of hardcover candy in with the rest at the last minute.
Yet although I’m interested in an almost esoteric variety of subjects, while scanning the magazine aisle a question creeped up into my mind: Was I the master of…anything? Did I know enough about a single topic to have it published, or was there at least one subject in the whole world which excites me to no end? I’m reminded of my friend Danyell, a goddess at everything she does. She’s a certified fitness and yoga instructor, model, runs a store, flies remote-controlled airplanes, belly-dances, her mind is sharp as a tact, she sews…anything she sniffs as interesting turns into her pursuit of perfection. And she’s open-minded! She is such an incredible inspiration, yet kinda a freak of nature in the fact that she’s so fearless and passionate and positive. There’s also my roommate Stefan: at 21, he owns 2 houses, a condo in Costa Rica, was a championship tap dancer, plays soccer, owns his own catering company and promotions company for celebrities, has a wine celler, cooked under Jamie Oliver in London, was featured on Bravo!(I have yet to see the DVD) and so on. His bookcase is littered with medals and trophies.
But what I’ve tried to realize when I’m feeling inadequate or slightly envious is that everyone has their own path in life, I have plenty of time to accomplish whatever I want, and other than financially there aren’t societal rules or oppressions that can keep me stuck and powerless my whole life. There’s only the daily battle with myself, and that can be successfully conquered over time. I have the opportunity to learn and get certified in whatever I choose to pursue; there are absolutely no limits. I also try to see things in perspective: most of my friends are going through the exact same thing, at least financially. Nobody else has achieved huge external success, and even the ones who have still experience unhappiness, especially when it comes to finding a great relationship. And they’re like, 40 and above. To these people I say, “you have a great job, you own your house, you’re healthy, and you’re a catch. One day you’re going to meet an amazing partner.” To this they would shrug, half-smile in ambivalent agreement, and still sadly concede that perhaps it was true. In the end, nobody wants to enjoy material success alone. Nobody honestly has it all figured out.
It’s a person’s character which determines their potential for success in life, not just their external pursuits. Character, I believe, is built over time. So even if one’s success isn’t automatically evident in their lifetime achievements at this current point in time, it doesn’t mean that they haven’t gained the powerful strength, wisdom, integrity and personality traits that will manifest later in life in larger accomplishments.
Back to ruminating about being a Master of…something. Hmmm…I try to put a humorous spin on the blank space that is my brain. I am a master of…knowing what NOT to do in relationships…applying makeup???….self-absorbed insomia??….typing…pigging out on PASTA?!!!! GEEZ! This is hard. My passion is substantial self-growth, but unfortunately that’s an extremely personal quest which isn’t easy to share with others, so outwardly I’m not pursuing much, when the real journey is going on inside. Even though it’s not something that I originally consciously chose right off the bat to pursue, it’s more of a necessity now. A necessary exploration into wellness that is continously changing and improving, which keeps me excited and interested. For now, I’m happy with listening to my Think Right Now c.d’s 12 hours a day, reading, learning, and exploring different ways to keep busy, such as running by the downtown river valley and volunteering. I’m seriously contemplating joining a badminton club. At least then I could honestly say there’s a lot of racket going on in my life. But sadly, only a birdie, no balls.
I’ll settle for being a Master Nutcase, and an expert on self-deprecating humor. Good enough for now!